My JDM war

People say what happened to him, he ain't scared that just his muscle spasm. Never scared of anything, willing to face what is killing him. He may be down, but he always puts back on his crown, high like a drone sitting upon his thrown. He has fought more wars then most generals. Won a war that almost cost him his genitals. No thrills, on pills, no hills, just making lead way on his chair popping wheelies on two wheels. Hits the nitro but is held back from the chemo. Wants to blast by ya but first needs to hit the blood plasma. Damn now it's gotcha...was hoping it would be a boost but nada, falls to his knees and prays to the porcelain god "please no more nausea". Wish the pain would sustain, but the brain is ready to just enter the Astral plane. This is not a tap out, this is a never ending bout, that's about winning without a doubt. I'm a Warrior to the end, will you continue to fight with me JDM warrior friends? #JDMwarriors

Where to go?

My eyes close as I enter in a cloud mace, can't see ahead, in a really dark place. Thoughts flow like a leaky faucet. They are down in the drain damn...I lost it. Trying to get back to the surface but taking on water. All this is making me a martyr. I can see the light just afraid it might be the end of my fight. I want to enter but don't want to leave. My family and friends need me. It's like a stacked deck of cards that need shuffling, but the only cards shown are love and suffering. I deal with what I am dealt, but wish I could beat it like my father did me with his belt. They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. If that's true then i need to figure how to conjure. Maybe it's down deep inside, or maybe I just need more God by my side. Maybe the pain actually is making me weaker. Maybe I'm just like those thug rappers who whine through the speaker. 

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JDM Warriors

The fight continues

The alarm goes off I wake up and turn it off. I swing my legs off the side of the bed and try to stand up. I fall back onto the bed as my body said not just yet. I take a few minutes and try again. Success I have made it to my somewhat one good leg. I then take a deep breath and start to hop my way to the bathroom. After I was done I hopped back to the bedroom. I make my way to the bed and fall onto it. I laid there for about 10 minutes while I caught my breath as my body was worn out from my little 10 foot excursion. When I finally caught my breath it was time to get dressed. I get my underware and jogging pants (not that I will be jogging) on. I then go to put on my shirt. I put my arms in and as I put them up to pull down my shirt my shoulders get a sharp pain so I quickly shake the bottom of the shirt down and rest my arms. It is now 30 minutes later from when I woke up. Shoot I'm going to be late. I try to ignore the pain and start getting my socks and shoes on in a hurry. I then get into my wheelchair and make my way to my car ride. On the way I was looking forward to stoping at the Krispy Cream that's accross from my second home University of California Irivne Hosptial campus. This little piece of heaven I receive from the fresh hot warm donut and the taste of the ice coffee that washes it down is always my treat to myself for having to go to that dredful second home. As we exit I get more excited as the Krispy Cream is now getting closer. I then looked up at the digital clock on the radio and realize we only have 5 minutes to my appointment. Dang it no time to stop. I say don't worry about it I will get it after. As we pass I see the hot fresh donuts ready sign on. Ugh I was really hoping to get that right now. I get dropped off at the front of my specialist's office building. I wheel myself to the door in my wheelchair. As I get to the elevator my arms burn from the muscles it took to get me from there to the elevator. The doors open and I see the double doors with the sign that says "specialties". I push the button and roll myself in. I sign in and wait. As I look around the waiting room I see other people waiting in wheelchairs with their heads low looking lifeless. I then think to myself I wonder if I look like that. Before I could think more on this I hear my name being called. It's time, it's time to go hear either good news or bad. After a 3 hour visit I was ready to leave. The door opens and I hang my head as I'm wheeled out in my chair. The news wasn't good. The doctor said he feels I am delcling. He also said that besides my knees and hips he now feels I may have Avascular Necrosis in my shoulders as well. This news wasn't what I was expecting. As I finally make it out and back to the car I get in to head back home feeling defeated. As we leave we come up on that place that holds a little piece of heaven. Want me to stop asked Jennifer? I hung my head and said no let's just go home. My stomach felt empty but I had no urge to eat as inside I felt empty and defeated. We continued on and made it back to the house. I get out get into my chair and make it back to bed to lay down. A few hours go by and I receive a call from UCI. It was the Dr who is in charge of my drug trial I am on to help find a cure for Juvineil Dermatomyositis. She asks how I felt and I told her how I didn't feel well and what happened with my appointment with my specialist. She then says well that's the reason for my call. She says she hasn't spoke to my speiclaist yet but feels that with their testing they see a decline in me and is going to make an executive decision to end the drug trial. She said the reason they made the executive decision is because she knew I wouldn't pull myself off of it. She said "you have been an outstanding patient and such a fighter. I knew you wouldn't call it quits yourself. So I have decided to call it for you". I told her deep down I was thinking it but didn't want to fail all my JDM warriors so I didn't say anything and was just hoping it would turn around. My mother suggested it and so did my other loved ones plus others on my social media sites. So I told her that it saddened me to hear it but also felt a little relief I didn't have to tap out and that they threw in the towel for me so I didn't have to. I hung up and it all hits me. The empty pit in my stomach feels even emptier. My head hangs low and I now feel even more defeated. I'm now slumped in my chair lifeless like those I saw either in the waiting room. Depression kicks in and I fell like I have failed everyone. Deep down I know it wasn't my fault but I still felt as a disappointment. I really wanted this to be a cure so no other child ever had to deal with this disease. It felt like losing a fight that you trained harder then you ever have before and it ended with a loss. I keep all this bottled inside my head as I try to keep a positive look on my face for my daughter who just got home. We talk for a bit she told about her day and then went out to play with her friends. I hear a knock on the door and it's my friend Charles. He came over to just hang out. We hung out for a bit then decided to go over to my neighbors to check out their kitchen as my buddy Charles has a kitchen company and they loved what he did for mine. I rode my motorized wheelchair down the street and we were greated by my neighbor Julian who was outside. I introduced them and after we went to go check out the kitchen they want remolded. I started to wheel towards the doorway and realized after a few attempts that I wasn't going to be able to make it in the doorway because my chair wouldn't fit. I said don't worry I will hang out here for a fit and get fresh air. As I sit outside I'm by myself and I feel embarrassed and worthless because I couldn't make it inside because of this stupid chair I have to be in. Then the neighbors son came out and started to shoot his basketball. The ball ended up bouncing into my lap. I was about 4 feet a away and went for the shot. I pulled back the ball like I have done millions of times and went to release it. As I pushed forward to release the ball it felt like I was throwing a bag of bricks. I watch the ball leave my hands and watch it not even come close to the rim and fall to the ground. I couldn't believe that I couldn't even throw it high enough to hit the rim. I once again felt defeated by my own body. I sucked it up as I didn't want the little boy see me defeated. As I sat there and just watched him shoot I was fighting depression inside. Then I hear the front door of the house open and out runs their little girl Lilly. She screams "Bwant bwant !!" as runs towards me with a huge smile and a big pretty pink bow in her hair. She runs up and asks to me to help her get into my lap. I helped her up with my arms and tho it hurt really bad I didn't even think of the pain. She's then says let's go for a ride bwant. So we rode around for a bit and then I said ok you drive now. I taught her how the remote stick works and off we went. She was so happy to drive it around and all I could do was smile and laugh with her as we almost "cawashed" a few times. For those few 10 mintues I felt no pain or the emptiness in my stomach. Her smile and laughter made it all go away. It finally felt like myself again even though it was only for few minutes. It's amazing what a child's smile and laughter can do. Then we hear the front door open and little Lilly says "Daddy look I can dwive!". My friend Charles and Julian walk out to the street to join the kids and I. Charles started to shoot the basketball with the boy as I "cwashed" around with little Lilly. Julian speaks to his son and asks him what sport he wanted to play this year. He said I want to play football dad. I said that's awesome I loved playing football. So Julian pulled out a football. I ask his son Luke what position did he want to play but he didn't know. So being that Charles and I both played football we said well let's find out. Charles had him start playing catch to see if he could throw. Then we had him start running routes to see of he could run and catch. I didn't try to throw the ball as I didn't want to see what happened if I did. However just sitting there with Lilly on my lap cheering on her brother and Charles and I giving instructions to Luke how to catch and throw correctly was another time I forgot all about what a crappy day I was having. After a few more plays we ended up saying good bye to the kids and headed back to my house. When we arrived we hung out and watched Monday night football. I ended up falling in and out of sleep at the end of the game. I then hear the chair move and I look up and it's Chalres saying good bye. After he leaves I make it to bed and I was so tired I just plopped into bed with all my clothes on. As I fell back to sleep my mind was at ease. I knew when I woke I would have to face the issues ahead but for now I was done fighting. I am ready to rest for the war ahead as tomorrow the fight continues. 

My battle with Juvenile Dermatomyositis

When I was 10yrs old I started to get an itchy rash around my waist line. We didn't think much of it and just put cortisone cream on it. Well a few weeks later I was in Bufflo NY with my parents for dog shows. We were walking downtown and all of a sudden my ankles and knees hurt so bad and I felt very weak and fatigued. When we returned home we went to the doctors. They doctors thought that I had lymes disease.  They started to treat me as so but it was not working and I was getting worse. Then my body started to get red purlplish color on my face, my neck, and all over my joints and hands. Then thought perhaps I had lupus but tests came back negative. With pulling all resources I ended flying to Chicago to meet a specialist named Dr Pachman. The first day I meet her and took all the tests she diagnosed me with a disease called Juvineil Dermatomyositis. When we returned back home we went to a hospital in Pennsylvania. The Dr there worked with Dr Pacham and they came up with a new treatment idea and that it had to be signed off on by my parents. The Dr told my parents that I may never walk again. My father took that doctor outside the room and roughed him up and said don't you ever tell my son that again. I kept on the new treatment in the hospital but it was still getting bad and it got to the point I couldn't even lift a fork to feed myself. When I was able to finally go home things were not any easier. Everyday I had to have a nurse come and give me my IV. I also had to do physical therapy what was the most pain ever. I was actually using cans of soup as weights to help build my arms. It was really hard and I always was upset with my parents making me do it because it hurt so bad. My friend Desmond Spady took off most of his summer to keep me company and got me to start learning to catch a football again. I will never forget what he had done for me. Then a year later I went back to school. When I arrived kids were really scared of me. The reason is because I was really fat from the side effects of Predinsone. I remember hitting the play ground and the ball was thrown to me and not one single person would try to tackle me. So next play I asked for the ball and as I ran one of the students just stopped in front and did nothing. So I slapped him in the head with the ball and said tackle me pussy! He laughed and ended up knocking me to the ground. Everyone ran over to check on me and I got up and laughed and said about time you guys start treating me normal. That same year I enrolled back into football and my second game back my best friend in the huddle said we are not running coaches play this one is for Brandt. So he called a flea flicker play and told me to just run as fast as I could and the ball was coming to me. The quarterback pitched the ball to Desmond and I ran as hard as I could. Desmond through the ball to me and I caught it and broke two tackles and ran 75yrs for a touchdown. All my teammates and coaches cleared the bench and came to celebrate with me. That was the first time since I was diagnosed that I truly felt like I was beating this disease. A week later my mother and I went to see the Dr that said I would never walk again. My mother made him come into the waiting room where there was a VCR. She popped in my game tape of my touchdown and made him watch it. She then said this is why you never tell someone they won't walk again. I loved it but I feel my mother loved shoving it in his face even more then I did. After all the confidence I received from this it drove me to get out and work harder then ever on preparing for the next football season. The following year I ended play footbal and joined the wrestling team. The wrestling was really tough on me but I ended up getting the starting spot on my team. I entered a wrestling tournament that year and placed 3rd. My last match I broke my finger and my father said come here now. He took me behind the stands and said you know pain so now just deal with it and broke it back for me. He grabbed some tape and taped them together and said now go get that win. That is actually what I did. I got back on the mat and remember what he said. I know pain so just deal with and use it. I ended pinning my opponent and when they raised my hand the tape was coming off and my finger was dangling. The coach screamed at my dad saying you told me it was ok. My dad said yes it is ok. Ok for my son but probably not for others. This is when I learned pain can make you stronger. The more you endure in your life the more you learn to deal with it and use it for power. After that amazing year I even had even greater thing happen to me. I was told by my doctor I had gone into remission. My life was back to being normal and I could do the things I loved. I spent 5yrs feeling great and playing sports until one day that dredful rash started to come back and I was feeling weak again. Sure enough my disease had came back. I went into depression when I heard it. I was now in high school and the last thing I wanted was to be in high school looking fat with rashes all over me. Luckliy we attacked fast and hard enough that I only needed a few treatments and I was back into that great word remission. Then when I turned 16 I ended up having another attack and this time I had to stay in the hospital for awhile. Luckliy it was in the summer so I was out of school and didn't have to explain anything to anyone. It was only a one month stay and I was back to remission once again. Then when I hit 23 I was once again under attack. This time was hard because it was attacking my heart and all my muscles were just eating away. This time it was about a 6 month stay in the hospital. As I always did I ended up beating it back into remission. I took up mixed martial arts after I was back to normal and was winning medals like they were giving them alway. I took mixed marital arts as my new passion. I ended up training and managing some of the biggest names in the sport. Then at the age of 33 I was once again hit with an attack. This time has been one of the hardest attacks yet. It has hit my lungs to where they were starting to collapse. Then I was told I have rheumatoid arthritis, blood clots in my lungs, and avascular nercosis and plus testicular cancer. The bone marrow in my hips and knees were not getting enough blood into bone so they started to die and collaps. This is when I was once again told I may never play sports again. This time it may be true but like my father would say you will you just have to want it enough. So I am now battling all this to make the comeback like I always have done before.